Weblog
Monday, 02 November 2009
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Hulk Smash!
"Anyone can get angry- that is easy- or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for every one, nor is it easy"
~Aristotle
This is time consuming, the petty score keeping, the plotting revenge scenarios. The most natural reaction is to take it all away, tell them the truth, take away the mirage, burst their bubble, hurt them a million fold worse. It's like survivor where you find diabolical ways to kick everyone off the island, until you're the only one left. Alone. How is that rewarding? I've already found the truth, now the hunt continues for the real.
I used to make pure magic with words, but I let it consume me, now there's nothing left to say.
Friday, 30 October 2009
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RIP A. Fenty
23 is way too young to die.
Remember to slow down,
We move a million miles a minute
One fateful day we will crash.
And leave everything on Earth in broken pieces.
Monday, 26 October 2009
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Activated Charcoal
There's being angry and then there's what I call "Vesuvius.' It's a makeshift adjective defined as when angry evolves into something explosive. A recipe for disaster: heat the saucepan beyond til red hot, throw in the oil, throw it in water, chuck all the ingredients into massive pile, turn up the flame and pop the lid on. When the smoke starts to fill the air, all the liquid starts bubbling out, and it eventually catches fire, sit back and watch the catastrophe.
It seems petty, little things add up, small deals get compounded into bigger deals, escalating the frustration, your trusty irrationality settles in. The perfect storm of events until you know every person can and will be broken at some point. So to the spectator, it looks like a immature, temperamental, selfish man-child consumed by fits of rage. There's only so much 'forget me nows' one can take, there's only so much anesthesia that can dull the senses before that threshold is reached.
I took a gamble much like I've been doing since grade school, hoping it would pay off someday, turn into something tangible, something that was genuine, something I could rely on. It just never did, time after time it was based on false pretenses and right moment/right timing. When the foundation is so weak, there's nothing to build on. I saw I never held any trump cards, never did. After a couple days of decompressing and cooling off did I realize it isn't healthy to stow everything away in the forgotten archives or wipe it clean from short term memory banks.
"If you never get cut, how will you learn to heal?" For the first time in a long time, the tough exterior couldn't hold them off and that first cut hurt like hell. Ironic how when you tint the world a bit darker, you can see more clearly.
She once told me "This world wasn't made for just you to live in, you have to share it with a lot of other people. It's not always about what you want."
So where do we go from here? Keep the charade up, painting that portrait of normalcy? Or do we expunge it all and start from scratch? I told them so many times "Just cuz it's new doesn't mean it's better" I should start listening to my own advice.
I've noticed something about people who say they "just want the simple things." The voids in their lives are simple in theory yes, but the missing parts and cracks and gaping holes are in the ground floor of their hearts. In reality it's not the simple things but the basics, the necessities they are lacking.
Sometimes acting Vesuvius is justified, to show human emotion albiet extreme is simply human. But do it enough times and you'll burn everything to ash. If I am the smoke, where is my fire?
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
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No They Can't Read My Poker Face
Felt like Dwayne from Little Miss Sunshine when he found out he was colorblind for a while back there.
Everyone is a politician running for re-election every minute of everyday. Dress a little sharper, talk a little louder, do/say all the right things. You never show your hand, you keep playing until you're worth nothing. Then you play on borrowed souls money, cuz someone always has something to give. It's just fun and games right? It doesn't really mean anything. Merely a distraction to forget how slow that second hand is moving 60 times in a circle.
There are times when going all in still isn't enough.
The question of why is the easiest to answer, it's multiple choice a-z. Just guess. It's the ones where you write your own solution, the how is the hardest.
Apologies for the incoherent twigs of thought, the synapses fire and I write encased in metaphor of course because I can't let them know I'm bluffing.
Monday, 28 September 2009
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Sober
I think it's safe to say I have zero to no self control sometimes. It wasn't fun for me or anyone else for that matter. I don't know why in my deluded mind there's a competition going on when clearly I'm the only participant and hence the sole loser. It tears my soul and physically my body sinks closer to six feet under. I cannot continue this way. Killed, paralyzed, robbed, 30 miles away from home in a strange neighborhood, is not my version of death. When avoidable stupidity is the cause of death, everything has become refuse. You are smarter than that, you don't need a liver full of alcohol to crack jokes or carry on conversations. I'm lucky to be alive today. The bloodshot eyes, my disgusting clothes, the mysterious bruises on my back and legs, all can be fixed or washed, but nothing erases the embarrassment and the humiliation of a 5 hr span that went oh-so-wrong.
It is a constant need to be socially accepted, to fulfill the voids missing in my life, to deal with other people but there's got to be a healthier way.
I thought I was Superman for a long while, defying the laws of logic, pushing a fragile body to the breaking point time and time again but in the end my red cape was a warning flag I never even saw.
Live and learn. There's a reason why live comes first.
fareastindianwarrior
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- Name: MISTER E.
- Gender: Male
- Member Since: 11/29/2003
About Me
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AKA {Mister E.}: What if you heard someone speak truth and felt your brain getting massaged at the same time? Step right up...
Pulse
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I'll meet you on the other side of the planet. Where the beaches r hot & the women r hotter. Show me what u got Philippines
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Eating ice cream out the carton, you be Rocko, I be Heffer
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Road trip to the philly this weekend. suggestions?
